Broken Doll
by Kissing Lips
Summary: There is a total of five seconds passing.


There is a total of five seconds passing.

Five seconds are needed for her to let her phone drop to the ground. Five seconds for the screen to break. Five seconds for her heart to shatter into million pieces just like the screen did. Five seconds for her to forget how to breathe. Five seconds for her world to collapse. Five seconds for the ground to be pulled out from under her feet, her world to turn upside down.

There is this ringing in her ears. She can't hear anything. She feels like her lung is about to explode. She doesn't know how to breathe. It feels like she has forgotten how to. Her mind and all her sane thoughts are still back in Lima. She has left them there when she left home, her heart's back there too. Somewhere in the rows of the choir room where she fell in love.

Her hand is clasped over her mouth and the only thing she recognizes are painful sobs ripping through her body. She shakes and it is so intense that she can't hold onto anything anymore.

Her knees go weak and she slides down the wall because right now this is the only thing she can do besides trying to get some oxygen into her lungs.

Five seconds are needed to change her whole life and it hurts. It hurts so much that she doesn't know how to handle it. She can still hear Tina's voice ringing through her head but the only things that can manage to get out of her are loud broken sobs.

There's so much pain inside of her, she feels helpless and she's sure that she's never ever felt so helpless before. And it is so emotionally painful that she can also feel it physically. She swears that the moment she heard it she was able to hear her heart shatter. Like glass that crashes against concrete.

She feels like chocking.

'Bram'

Just hearing that word makes her eyes tear up, her heart to stop beating, and for a nauseous feeling to spread through her stomach. There's only a dizzy feeling left inside of her body which is only filled with emptiness and regrets, thousands of what ifs and questions that no one is able to give the answers to.

There's only one sentence going through her mind and she repeats it like a mantra because nothing has ever felt so real in her life than that.

'You fucking idiot!'

'You fucking idiot!'

And it's getting louder and louder until she can't ignore it anymore.

'You fucking idiot!'

'You fucking idiot!'

For a moment she believes that there is really someone looking down at her while she's sitting there- pathetically, emotionally vulnerable and drowning that anyone at McKinley High would laugh at her if they saw her- and they're screaming at her 'why?' over and over again. And she doesn't know the answer. She really doesn't know it. She is still waiting for that someone to kick her right in the ribs. Just so that she will feel anything but that hollow pain inside of her.

The why is so loud and it's like a knife cutting right through her. Over and over again. She covers her ears with her hands, hoping that it would stop. The noise piercing her ears just doesn't want to stop.

"Stop it!" She screams and it sounds so hysterical that for a moment she is afraid of herself. She is afraid of everything she is never going to be:

Complete.

Happy.

Loved.

In love.

Because the person she is in love with now is kissing his fish lips. Is whispering his name when it's dark. Is holding his hand. Laughs at his jokes, is digging her nails into his shoulder blades, burying her nose into his neck when she's aroused. Looks at him with a pout when she's confused and it's like someone is now hitting her with a metallic baseball bat.

She has stopped feeling the tears streaming down her cheeks but she is still crying. She doesn't believe that she will stop anytime soon but for now she doesn't really care.

All she wants is the pain to go away. She wants to be able to smile again. Genuinely. Just like she was smiling when Brittany was still in her life. Kissing her good night. The morning after, the first thing she sees are crystal blue eyes. She wants to feel Brittany kissing her bare shoulder when Santana's eyes flutter close again. She wants to hear that whispered 'hi' over and over again and see that smile that always accompanies it. She wants to be able to make love to Brittany again. Every fucking night because Brittany deserves being loved and she is sure that no one could ever love Brittany as much as she does.

She wants to brush blonde locks off Brittany's face and trace her fingers over her pink lips.

She wants to wrap her arms around Brittany's waist every time she sees some dude that lets his eyes linger for a little bit too long, kiss her cheek and ask her if she's ready to go because she wouldn't give anyone the satisfaction of seeing her jealousy. And after Brittany would smile at her and nod, she would give that dude a dirty look and make some gesture that threatens his manhood while she's leaving with Brittany. He would look down awkwardly, trip more than once over his words, more than Santana could count and then he would retreat.

And Brittany, she would always kiss Santana reassuringly and pretend that she didn't see what Santana was doing to this guy after turning her back.

But she can't have it anymore. She was stupid enough to end it. And although it was her decision alone- the biggest mistake of her life- it didn't stop from hurting. She would do it again. If it meant that Brittany would be able to smile again, then Santana would cry all the tears. She would turn into this pathetic mess. She would do anything for Brittany.

But the sad thing is that now she can't do anything. It is him brushing Brittany's locks from her face. He is the one threatening boys who can't keep their eyes off Brittany. He is the one kissing her good night and good morning. Loving her… in the ways Santana should. And it makes Santana nauseous. It reaches that point where she has to grab the paper bin from where it is placed next to her desk.

There's not really anything in her stomach when she empties its contents. She hasn't eaten much since that day. But for a minute she feels the satisfaction of the bile burning her throat. All she has done since that day is smoke menthol cigarettes and drink. The pain still won't stop though.

For the first time nothing is going to fix that mess. Not a drink, not a cigarette, no meaningless fuck buddy or the decision to ignore it.

The only one who's able to fix her is Brittany but she's busy with Sam and Santana is busy with trying to stop hurting.

Till now she hasn't found a way and so she'll just stay that broken doll she has become since she left her heart 225 miles back.


End file.
